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TRIGGER WARNING

So what has been happening. (Possible trigger warning)  For those who don't know I was raped in March by a high profile individual, someone I met online and had known some other people I knew. Not a complete stranger, but someone I had been conversing with for some time. Someone in a position in his community and is well known in the LGBTQIA community. Since March, I have not only changed job, moved home, sold home and divorce proceedings have started but I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the rape and the ongoing issues I have faced dealing with this. This past month has been horrible, especially when I learnt that bail was no longer in place for this individual. Not only do I have horrible flashbacks, night terrors, anxiety, I have not been able to enjoy being me as I had hoped. struggling to leave my safe spaces of my flat or car when I do venture out. This is not a sympathy post, it is to raise awareness with regards to rape and PTSD.  Rape can happen to anyone...
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Awake /Dreams

3 o'clock, tick tock Time to be awake  Well that's what my head says , The dreams that awaken my deep slumber  It's between 3-4 when it usually happens  The time the bell tolls The time the rested head decides to open the portal to those dreams  Those not so nice dreams Dreams awaken and it's hard to rest  Dreams of unpleasant thoughts make the feelings so real It's a dream it's not reality , so I'm told, The processing is hard Is this healing? Healing is hard It gets worse before it gets better, it's what you say To sleep soundly I crave Please take these dreams away.
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6 months on T , the reality

Starting Testosterone was a further step in my transition I knew I needed to take. Yes I had had top surgery first and only a month after surgery I started T. I'm sure some have said why so fast, why all at once? Well for me it wasn't fast, I had waited since the age of 8 for this moment. For me it was now or die tbh. When I 'came out' as non binary trans Masc I wasn't sure if that was right, I wasn't sure if I was still saying and doing things for others. Now I know I was. I was also dealing with the internal transphobia I held about myself because that is what I had been taught. I had been taught that my feelings were stupid, invalid, I was delusional for feeling that way. Then the name calling, the rejection, I was not sure if it was worth fighting for, if I had th inner strength to be truly me, to face the bigotry and hate , to challenge my internal taught belief system.  But I was strong enough, I am proud of myself, I know the time was now to finally be fr...
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