A Journey, My Journey

Starting my transition was the start of my healing journey. The start of self acceptance, the start of tackling my inate transphobia of myself. It was the start of challenging long held beliefs I thought were true , however I learnt these beliefs from others. They were learnt, but not true. It hasn't been an easy process, by far. The rollercoaster of emotions is real.The physical pain one can feel through emotional pain is real. Until I have been able to face these things head on, consider them differently and do some real work on myself I have not been able to change things; Until now.  I was blocked from change because of my mindset, my mindset had me stuck in the life I believed I was to have. How I took on others words as mine. I have learnt so much in a short space of time, it at times feels surreal. Why has it taken so long. Well as I said once before the time was not then but now. My time is now and for my 52 birthday I went away , alone , for the first time in m...

An update of the year  Feb 2024 - came out, this was as Non Binary. Later Trans Masc NB March - Applied for deedpoll April to date - Name change being updated , still remembering places to do this (pensions one) May - Diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and Gender invongerance. Surgeon planned, now to find surgeon. June - Surgeon chosen, date planned.  July - Loan for surgery approved. Aug - signed off sick from work. September - gender hormone clinic approached Nov - Surgery. Sessions started with Alex , my coach.  Dec - Testosterone started.  January - GP agreed shared care. First run of the year  Off to Brighton for birthday. When I see this stuff written down I see what I have achieved. It's a lot and I haven't touched on my relationship/s. I'm planning for a positive 2025 , progressing with my transition, my self love and growth. 🫂🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 CHé 1st birthday (fully)

What is this shame I am talking about you may ask?  Shame is an instrumental factor as to why I have believe I have reacted in certain ways in my life and why I have done some things with regard to my transition as I have.   I was made to feel ashamed for knowing myself , knowing my feelings regarding gender identity has always been there,  so because of the rejection and hurt I tried to hide them. Buried feelings deep inside until I could no longer live like that. What did I have to be ashamed about? Being CHé, being different to how my mother wanted me to be, expressing my feelings of being the boy I've always been , that's what.  So what was the impact of my shame. I am not proud of this , however I own what I did. I called my brother horrible names , suggesting he was queer, making derogatory comments about his sexuality from a young age to detract negative attention from me. I didn't have many friends and the friends I did have were just people ...

Ever felt triggered by a person's response and reaction. Yeah me too. I was recently triggered by how a person responded to me regarding my pronouns. It was not a pleasant experience, it was a challenge and how I reacted was not how I wish to moving forward. Reflection is a wonderful thing, and when you have a coach that helps you to reframe, it assists you to unlock what is within. Internalised transphobia from old me to present me was what I felt. It impacted me so great what that person said, because I used to say those things about myself. It doesn't make it ok, it doesn't make it easy to understand why I did that but I am learning. I'm learning that I was protecting little CHé, that we were protecting me in the way I knew best, by following the lead and running away. Now I'm not running but listening to myself. I'm acknowledging the past, my processes of learning however hurtful they were. I am not that person anymore, I am CHé , a trans guy who loves himse...