Shame

What is this shame I am talking about you may ask? 

Shame is an instrumental factor as to why I have believe I have reacted in certain ways in my life and why I have done some things with regard to my transition as I have. 
 I was made to feel ashamed for knowing myself , knowing my feelings regarding gender identity has always been there,  so because of the rejection and hurt I tried to hide them. Buried feelings deep inside until I could no longer live like that.

What did I have to be ashamed about? Being CHé, being different to how my mother wanted me to be, expressing my feelings of being the boy I've always been , that's what. 

So what was the impact of my shame. I am not proud of this , however I own what I did. I called my brother horrible names , suggesting he was queer, making derogatory comments about his sexuality from a young age to detract negative attention from me. I didn't have many friends and the friends I did have were just people I tried to fit in with. Hanging out with these girls, trying to fit in, but I always felt on the outside.
 As I got older I struggled with depression and suicidal ideation , which resulted in a psychiatrist hospital stay. I was so sad and still couldn't say. When I did try and speak with my mother she rejected me and now hasn't spoken with me for 30 years.

I hid in this vortex of being a lesbian, because the shame of being that was far less than coming out as a trans man. Self hate and self deprication was how I treated myself. I never loved myself, so fell into relationships that were not healthy. I drank way too much and although this is better can still be a source of emotional reliance if I allow it.
It's an old coping mechanism that wasn't really coping but how I managed to hide the feelings.

I would wake and not want to live, even saying that out loud I feel shame. I had so much to live for but didn't feel able to live, didn't feel alive. Shame of feeling I had let those around me down, shame of not being the daughter I was supposed to be. Something had to give.

Something did give when my brain couldn't hide this any longer. The shame I had lived with needed to addressing. In turn I hurt some people around me by how I proceeded, in turn being pushed away, but that felt better than staying where I was. I shame I felt coming out I felt I deserved the rejection, the hate that was coming my way, but I know in reality I
 don't deserve that. I don't need to be ashamed of myself and how I ha e always felt.

The things I have done have been learning for me, I'm learning how to be CHé. Learning that things will not always be easy, but I can and I will work through them.

My mindset is changing, it may faulter at times, I may still question and have self doubt, it's human nature. But I am not going to let the past shame define me any longer.

My life is for living and I am and will be grasping it with both hands.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TRIGGER WARNING

So what has been happening. (Possible trigger warning)  For those who don't know I was raped in March by a high profile individual, someone I met online and had known some other people I knew. Not a complete stranger, but someone I had been conversing with for some time. Someone in a position in his community and is well known in the LGBTQIA community. Since March, I have not only changed job, moved home, sold home and divorce proceedings have started but I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the rape and the ongoing issues I have faced dealing with this. This past month has been horrible, especially when I learnt that bail was no longer in place for this individual. Not only do I have horrible flashbacks, night terrors, anxiety, I have not been able to enjoy being me as I had hoped. struggling to leave my safe spaces of my flat or car when I do venture out. This is not a sympathy post, it is to raise awareness with regards to rape and PTSD.  Rape can happen to anyone...
Read more

6 months on T , the reality

Starting Testosterone was a further step in my transition I knew I needed to take. Yes I had had top surgery first and only a month after surgery I started T. I'm sure some have said why so fast, why all at once? Well for me it wasn't fast, I had waited since the age of 8 for this moment. For me it was now or die tbh. When I 'came out' as non binary trans Masc I wasn't sure if that was right, I wasn't sure if I was still saying and doing things for others. Now I know I was. I was also dealing with the internal transphobia I held about myself because that is what I had been taught. I had been taught that my feelings were stupid, invalid, I was delusional for feeling that way. Then the name calling, the rejection, I was not sure if it was worth fighting for, if I had th inner strength to be truly me, to face the bigotry and hate , to challenge my internal taught belief system.  But I was strong enough, I am proud of myself, I know the time was now to finally be fr...
Read more

Transgender, what it means to me.

Image
When I came out again in February to the world I said I was Non Binary. Now at the time I felt that was the safest option, it gave me time to find myself and also inform others change was occurring. Now after 10 months of change, affirming who I am, I can say I am a Trans Guy. I am a guy who is so friggin happy to be able to say this and feel me it is just awesome.  Yes it's scary as fuck, but I need to be authentic to me , no one else. I'm stopping hiding behind the shadows, if people don't like me or who I am that is their problem and not one I am willing to take on. So why has it taken from 8 to now to get here. Self protection. Nothing more , nothing less. The need to feel strong enough to be my authentic self was huge , it's a fucking struggle. But I'm a guy, I was always a guy , just to scared to be me . I didn't get the support at the age of 8 so I suppressed my feelings. I have hid behind a wall for so long, but I've been breaking down that wall and ...
Read more