Early Years part 2 A letter to my dad

If you read part one you may recall childhood was not easy. After years of rows between my parents they finally separated, we were around 5 going on to 6.

I loved my father so much, a daddy's girl I was told. He gave me the attention my mother didn't. Born crosseyed he called me Clarence in reference to a TV show in the 70s Clarence the crosseyed lion. It stuck and that was his name for me throughout my life. He was a lot of fun, I recall we played cricket and football in the garden when he was home. I just wish he was home more often, but not surprised he wasn't in a way with how my mother was when he was home.

So they separated, we moved into our nans and got rehoused with our mother. He continued to live in the home I knew and loved. 

We were asked by the court , more likely a social worker, who we wanted to live with, that's a huge ask of a six year old. When my brother said our mother and I said my dad that was a shock to many, also a shock to my dad. I don't think I wanted to live with him but I missed him so much and he wasn't allowed to our home. Our mother didn't make it easy to see him and my brother didn't want to see him. He had been somewhat indoctrinated into believing what she told him about our dad. I knew his flaws and knew he wasn't perfect, I didn't want a perfect dad I wanted my dad. 

So I stayed with him on a trial basis. He burnt my fish fingers and had a new partner , Pat, I didn't like her. It wasn't her I didn't like it was the fact she was taking my dad from me, or so I thought.

I finally went and lived with my mother and brother. After that seeing our father was rare, I missed him so so much. Only seeing him birthday and Christmas was massive, I don't think parents understand the impact of divorce on their children. It hurts like hell and parents need to stop making children choose sides, we don't choose the separation or divorce, adults do. Children need to be supported to see their parents, if they want to, and not made to feel bad or slated for loving their parents unconditionally.

Dad you needed to have made more of an effort, you knew how much I missed you but let's be honest, your parenting priorities were lacking and let's say shoddy for want of a better word. Maybe if you had made more of an effort my childhood would have been different, maybe I could have been me earlier on. But as I said previously, my time wasn't then but now.

So the time goes on, you re marry, a woman called Jenny, she looked like a witch, point nose , what children depict as which like in appearance. They ended up living just around the corner from us, I walked past his house on the way to school. He had 3 step children, younger than us. 

You would think being so close we would see him more, however I saw less of you. You popped outside just Christmas time now, and for 10 Minutes if that. If I saw you when passing you would stop and chat, but that was rare , knowing you are so close but so far when one was a struggling teenager was a wrench. 

Dad this made me resent you , although I hated feeling that way, I started listening to my mother and brother when they slated you, I didn't want to but felt they had been right all along.

However you made things right at the worst of times, when I thought I had no one, homeless and in despair.

You heard about what had happened, the town we lived I you knew a lot of people. You found me and gave me a place to live with you. You had divorced Jenny by now. You told everyone how proud you were of me and if anyone had a problem with his Lesbian daughter they had a problem with him. People didn't mess you , not Roger the Dodger. You told me you were bisexual and people ‘shouldn’t knock it until they have tried it's , typical you.

From that day forward you supported me though so much, through the mental health problems, the relationship difficulties, you were there. You came to my wedding with Sarah and were so proud of that moment.

You loved seeing me settled with Sarah, I just wish you had been with us to see me now. Your death was sudden and you were taken too soon, but you saw your daughter marry and happy (to an extent)

Dad You would see your child happier now being their authentic self. I know you would continue to be proud.

Miss you Dad 🫶🏳️‍⚧️