M , that's his name
M was the eldest, 7 minutes, and yes he liked to say how he was the eldest as in his mind he was always more important than me.
Throughout growing up M was very effeminate and I more masculine. He would like to play with dolls and I cars and football. Each Christmas and birthday we would get very gender typical gifts and often take one another’s instead of playing with our own.
From the age of when I was questioning my gender I remember thinking he was gay and used the word in a very derogatory way. It was the early 80s and the word was used awfully towards men. It was the time when sexuality was being blamed for the AIDS virus and being gay was a dirty word. I called him gay to my disgust now.
He only had female friends in school, enjoyed cooking and knitting. I had a mix of friends but mainly male and played football, climbed trees and messed about with motor bikes. Why the hell our parents did not see we didn’t fit into those typical gender stereotypes back then is beyond me.
M was the golden boy, he could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes (Yes m with a lower m, that’s all she deserves). He was in the top set for every subject, excelled in school. I was called stupid and was expected not to amount to anything and told ‘just like your father’.
M had a lot of attention when we were younger as he had asthma and had a few stays in hospital. I don’t recall too much about this time but know I spent time with my grandad and loved this time away. However this time always bought my mother and brother closer and when he did return home I felt pushed further away.
M knew exactly how to play our mother and get exactly what he wanted. When we had fights, and oh yes we had fit fights, he would always feign hurt and our mother would end up believing him and his version of events and I would be the one getting the battering from her. Smacked around the head, arms and told how like my father I was was a regular thing in our house. No wonder I stayed out as much as I could.
So M continued to be the golden boy, and remains that person. After mother kicked me out , a year later he called me and told me he was bisexual. My first reaction was to laugh and ask what took him so long and no he wasn’t bisexual but gay. He admitted to me that this is what he was but thought he was going to tell mother he was Bi to keep her onside.
This is what he did, however he has never had a girlfriend since that day, I don’t believe he is the slightest bit interested in women or ever has been but that’s for him to say.
So my Bi brother was not rejected by our mother. In fact she embraced the gayness and allowed boyfriend after boyfriend to sleep over. I would see and hear of how she would go out with them and it felt like she had 2 sons. Did I ever say she said to me when young she only ever wanted a boy!!
When I was mentally unwell and in hospital I wrote to my mother, explaining how I felt and unpicked my childhood. It was cathartic and something encouraged by my nurse. I sent the letter to her and from that day to now she has not spoken to me. She accused me of telling lies and spreading hate about her and never acknowledged the abuse I went through. I have not shared the extent of abuse as I don’t want to go through that again or give it additional room here. She never acknowledged she had played a part into how I felt about myself and turned M against me. He was not very nice in a call with me following the letter and since then he too has not spoken with me. I became stronger and started to rebuild my own life for myself away from the town I was bought up and been pretty independent since apart from my close relationships with my chosen family.
I found M on social media several years ago. He changed his surname but it was our mother’s maiden name he changed it to, so very easy to find. On our 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays I have sent him a birthday messages wishing him a happy birthday asking if we could meet up and talk. He has never responded . It is now 30 years since I have heard from my mother and twin brother. The only blood relatives I have alive. So to me I have no family alive and have had to go through the grief of living relatives not being there two fold.
Don’t get me wrong me and M had a volatile sibling relationship and it was two sided. mother did not make it easy by taking his side , however that was not his fault. She chose him to love more than loving me. But it would have still been nice to have some sort of an ongoing connection.
Some people think twins have an unsaid connection. Maybe we don’t but what I did find surprising was when I learnt he went to university the same time as me, he Leeds I elsewhere. We studied the same course and worked in the same role as social workers. Was that pure coincidence or a twin thing? I will never know because he doesn’t talk with me. It’s sad but for my own protection I cannot continue to try. I won’t send him a message when i’m 60, 70 etc because I need to protect myself from the upset of rejection time and time again. I have my chosen family who care and love me and they are the ones who care.
For those reading , remember that family don’t have to be blood relations. We can choose the family we want. Blood relations are just that, they don’t make a family.
Oh for what happened to M, he married a man and remained married for 10 years, mother attended the wedding, went on holidays with them and he remains in touch with her regularly , although he is now divorced and still living his Gay/Bi life. I know because mother still lives in that small town I grew up. Its good to see from a distance and not suffer the abuse.
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