A little time of reflection
Being able to accept me for me has opened so many more metaphorical doors that have previously not been open or seemingly so distant I haven't been able to reach them.
Transition is forever evolving and when we accept ourselves it's a huge catalyst to do much more never felt achievable before.
Every day of my transition is a learning experience for me. I am learning so much more about myself and allowing myself to learn and look at the changes.
When someone says to me , you have changed, which they inadvertently will or have, I say yes I have or am changing, I am finally becoming my authentic self.
That does not mean I wish to eradicate the previous message, not in the slightest. I like me, but there is so much more to me than just who I have been , some things I'm learning about too.
As I said the time was not then but now, I do still regret that I wasn't ready then, but can't do that and need to accept it is now and just move with this.
So I have accepted I am a non binary trans masculine person, I am having top surgery and I will be starting hormones. There are many Non binary folk who don't do either for whatever reason. Being Non Binary is a spectrum of transness and I love being within this spectrum and finding my place.
I accept early on top surgery was necessary and so I presued this first, however with any journey, I opened the doorway of hormone treatment and the more I have learnt about this the more it's an area I want in my life.
So what changes do I desire from hormone treatment, first physyc . I'm too womanly shaped and just cutting of my chest won't ease the dysphoria I feel about my body and is something I need help to change. I want that testosterone shape, that jawline and muscle definition AFAB just don't have.
There are some things that will come with testosterone, including voice change, I already have quite a deep voice so that will be interesting. More body and facial hair. I'm not liking the idea of back or bottom hair and I hope I don't become a gorilla.
Head hair thinning is also not something I'm wanting but if it happens hai will be cut accordingly.
And of course the genitals. Everyone wants to know but is too scared to ask. I'm not intending bottom surgery. However with testosterone the clitoris and clitoral hood grow , they can grow to become a reasonable size and look like a small penis. That is as far as I wish to go with regards to bottom intervention, but it is something that also excites me. It will mean I have both genitals of sorts and as I fit within genders something I'm very happy to have.
During this time I have found a strong band of ally's at work and faced some very challenging bigottry. The Allys are so much more than the haters and this is encouraging to see.
Friendships have grown, I have met some great online people, some not so great and they have been blocked and have a fantastic friend and brother as we like to call one another. Having a bro has helped me more than they realise and I hope they realise their significance to me and others out there.
Finding our place in this world is tough, and so much harder for a NB or Trans person, but we are valid , we are worthy and we are valued. We must never forget that and together we are stronger.
Comments
Post a Comment